Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Guns N' Roses

I will never forget the special place that Appetite for Destruction held in my 8 year old brain. I'll never forget the anticipation and hype leading up to GNR Lies. I will never forget the '90 VMA finale--Axl joining Tom Petty on stage for "Free Falling," (though I might have forgotten why that was a good thing). Hell, I won't even forget RUSHING home from school to catch the first peek at the video for "You Could be Mine," and all the T2 hype crushing America. I won't forget seeing you in '93 at the BJCC. Still:

It's too early to tell, but I might forget GNR's most recent release, Chinese Democracy.

I'll soon be drawing up a review of this album we've been waiting for 14 years for, and I plan to do it using ONLY lyrics from GNR's past albums. Check back soon.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Isaac walks...

Is it just me???

For some time now I've had an abiding interest in conspiracy theory of all shapes and sizes. While I'm not as nutty as some of my friends and acquaintances, I tend to buy more than the average bear, which leads me to this:

It all starts Thursday as the European Central Bank and the Bank of England decide to leave their benchmark interest rates unchanged. This sends the dollar shooting up in value against both the Euro and Pound, which in turn leads to oil prices plummeting. This all happens as Gulf Coast drilling operations begin to recover from Katrina, increasing oil supply. At the same time demand for oil is way down (almost 3% down from the same time last year...that's a lot of crude).

And now for something completely different:

Little known fact: the war in Iraq (love it, hate it, can't live without it, whatever) has been doing its job. The surge has worked. The region is stabilizing. Yes, there are still deadly attacks day in and out. Yes, there are still regions that are devastated, but things are improving. Casualties are much lower than this same time last year. The Iraqi government is ready for us to get out of there.

Things sure are looking good, right? Oil could be below $100 a barrel by November... our troops could be home by 2010 (the year we make contact, right?) and on top of it all, this is all happening against the backdrop of massive protests for human rights in China, where you've currently got more world leaders than your average UN resolution meeting.

And then:

Osettia. Dammit.

I liked the Cold War. I thought it was awesome. It had cool things for a seven year old to think about, like iron curtains, and communism, and a big wall that for some reason people equated with Pink Floyd.

All things considered, it beat the shit out of the Hot War we're currently engaged in.

But I digress. Some of Russia's first targets were oil production facilities and pipelines within Georgia. Check out Bloomberg.com:

"Georgia is a key link in a U.S.-backed ``southern energy corridor'' that connects the Caspian Sea region with world markets, bypassing Russia. The U.S. seeks to connect Central Asia natural gas supplies with European markets, skirting Russia in an attempt to weaken the grip of Russia's state-run OAO Gazprom energy company. One planned pipeline route runs from the Georgia-Turkey border."

Hmm. It gets better.

"``They bombed it but missed,'' Georgian Economy Minister Eka Sharashidze said by phone today. ``There were 27 bombs fired, 25 exploded and two did not, about 5 meters from the pipeline,'' she said."

Gotcha. Thanks, Eka.

Moving on, would anyone care to guess who just pulled the third largest contingent of troops out of Iraq to defend its own oil facilities against a country that has steadily been backsliding into a cold war-like stance? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Georgia's on MY mind.

Hey, did this all just happen when EVERY major world leader was pretty much on vacation in the last bastion of communist power? It did?

It reminds me of a few months ago when my nephew Aiden was fond of saying "get it?," after just about everything he said. It goes like this:

In one fell swoop oil supply as well as Iraqi stability can be disrupted. Get it?

The strategy is divide and conquer. Get everyone on one side or the other, let them duke it out, and rule over whoever survives. Simplicity in itself when you consider the EU. Standard currency. NAFTA. Super Interstates reaching from the belly of South America to the heart of Canada. The losses in the value of the dollar against the Peso and the Canadian Dollar. Neat.

In this corner, wearing the blue trunks, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, the WEST!!! The inventors of Freedom, Liberty, and Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches!! Should they win, they pledge to donate their earnings to save the dwindling habitat of the Blue-Peckered Beaver Snake!

And in the other corner, wearing the red trunks, I give you the EAST!! The inventors of Fascism, Human Rights violations, and Religious extremism!! Should they win, they pledge to donate their earnings to eradicate free-market trading and Christianity!!

That's how it will be billed to us. We are the good guys. We're fighting for freedom and a better world. Guess what? The bad guys will think the same.fucking.thing.

That's all for now. More later, I guess.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

How to win at darts.

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This actually happened. I threw one, and then was possessed by Robin Hood, or something. Amazing. We stopped playing, even though nobody was close to closing out cricket. What a fluke.

Welcome Back??

Yeah, it's been a while. I've been busy. Had a lot on my mind. Forgot this blog was here. Hmm.

I'm feeling this crazy urge to rant and rave about the same things everybody else is ranting and raving about. Gas prices? Obama? McCain? Offshore Drilling? Will Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy ever come out? WHY GOD WHY CAN I ONLY TASTE 17 OF THE 23 FLAVORS IN DR. PEPPER? IS MY TONGUE DEAD? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

Life's been good lately. Wedding in less than four months. Awesome. It's great to know that there is someone out there who loves me not just in spite of my flaws, but because of some of them. Laura is one of the most gracious and beautiful people in my life, and I am so lucky to have her.

This blog has been marked for adult content. That cracks me up. I learned all these offensive words when I was a kid, and the only people i didn't use them with were adults. Weird. It makes me feel like some kind of internet predator...I now come with a warning. If I was a bug I'd be brightly colored. You would know right away, "don't mess with that one, he's poison." What a joke. The worst thing I ever posted here I removed the next day. Thank God. I would've had two warnings.

Wal Mart: It makes NO sense that you won't sell explicit music, but will sell R-rated movies. Boobies and blood and language and drug use. Don't listen to 'em, Wal-Mart says. Watch 'em instead.

I think books should be rated. That way I'd know which ones I really wanted to read. "This book rated R for extensive violence, adult language, and descriptive depictions of gore." Yes. Sign me up. "This book rated R for several scenes involving male genitalia." No thank you.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

ten years.

So i'll level with you. I used to sit in a car late at night with my neighbor, get stoned, and listen to lots of music. He worked at a local record shop, so we always had the freshest stuff to hear. It was great.

One night in '98 he plays me this album, a debut from some band nobody's ever heard of called Queens of the Stone Age. It nearly changed my life. It was FUCKING AWESOME. Liked it so much he gave it to me. So they go on to become a pretty big deal and put out 4 more albums that I don't like nearly as much as the first one. I've got a promo of their second album back before it was titled, and a slip signed by the band. But somewhere along the line I lost my copy of that first album.

I've searched high and low. I've searched Itunes. I've searched record stores far and wide. To no avail. And guess why?

They only pressed 8,000 copies. The original album, in crummy shape, is worth more than the signed "Queens of the Stone Age 2" which was later released as "Rated R."

$200 new. Plus shipping. I can't believe i'm considering saving up for it. If I do, I promise to make you all copies.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Done.

I just recently received some great news: I will soon be able to quit bartending FOREVER. I've been hired as a sales representative at Atlanta Foods, a wholesale company that specializes in cheeses. I'll be responsible for several grocery stores here in the Birmingham area, and will be working closely with my soon to be father-in-law, Chris.

I couldn't be happier. The last year and a half has been a quest to find something real to do with my life, something I can eventually use to support a family. This is it. I couldn't be more excited.

I realize I need to thank everyone in the bar industry who has supported me, taught me, and given me the opportunities to keep myself busy for the last 9 years. SO:

Thank you Harold. Thank you Dave. Thank you Derek. Thank you Dusty, Rob, and Dave. Thank you Bill.

Most of all, thank you, Phil Eishen, wherever the hell you are. You taught me how to count to three and four and a half. You taught me which goes in what, and how much of it. You taught me stance and composure and how to use my arrogance to my advantage. You taught me that a collar goes a long way. You taught me that flaming 151 does not go on your pants (or in my eye, for that matter). You taught me at least two interesting uses for the office table, both of which I'll never ever do again. You taught me that if your hands aren't bleeding then you aren't bartending. You taught me how to throw a coaster loaded with plastic toothpicks well enough to pop a balloon. You taught me how to be confident and how someone weighing less than both people involved in a fight can break it up with maximum pain and minimal damage.

I'm going to miss this life a little bit.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Cretin Reunion '07

So our old band got together for one more hoorah this Thanksgiving. Everyone had a great time (I think) and we were all surprised how tight everything was. Anyway, here's some video.

Shake:


Walk Away:


That's all i'll post for now. You can check out the rest by clicking here .

Thanksgiving & Iron Bowl pictures.

Who knew my nephews would show up in more pictures on this blog? I'm surprised. Are you?

Aiden and I being goofy:
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Isaac and I being photographed:
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Deer in headlights:
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Laura, her sister Missy, and me, decked out for the ball game:
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Isaac, Dad (kinda), Kate (almost) and me, all orange and blue:
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And finally, how do Alabama fans feel about the '07 Iron Bowl?
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like that.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I BROKE MY HEAD

So here's how it goes:

The first near concussion came when Kate and I were disassembling a bed frame. Long story short, a very heavy piece of wood that we thought would stand on its own did not. It did, however, stand with the help of my head. I had a good sized goose egg for a few days, saw stars, nearly got knocked out, and all that jazz.

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A few weeks later i guess i decided that i didn't want my past self to show up my present self. I could describe the scenario for you, but i'll just say i hit myself on a very sharp piece of wood. On the head. It bled EVERYWHERE. I screamed expletives. At work. Oh yeah. When the bleeding finally stopped I went woozily back to work and finished my day with a huge blood clot in my hair. Yummy. Got it cleaned up, and guess what? As Laura says, i'm branded.

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yeah. L for Laura. I would rather have taken a ring. Over a week later and it's still there, albeit somewhat smaller. Looks like it's going to scar, and i definitely have a depression in my skull. Yea!!!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Halloween

We had a ridiculously good time this halloween. This is the first time i've been off work for it for roughly ten years. Yeah. Damn right we got down and boogied. Here's all of us at the start.

Brian, Bucho, Parsons, and Jess. 2 DC's, 2 Marvels. Awesome.

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Laura and I. Ready for adventure. At least, any adventure that can be taken on with three fake guns and a crappy bullwhip i don't know how to use:

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Ran into Lewis, who had a truly awesome Doc Holliday costume (he even had a little silver cup he was drinking from).

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The Green Lantern. Badass.

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Lantern and Lara:

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Stop or she'll shoot. I mean it man, she's got you covered.

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MIGHTY THOR. Or Fabio. Or Thor.

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So that's the first stop. Every year in Five Points they do a poker crawl, where you go to five different bars and get a playing card at each one. Then whoever has the best hand at each location when it's over wins $100. We lost to two laffy-taffy sorority girls that weren't even wearing costumes. This made Thor MAD. So mad that when we got to Zydeco (our final stop) he smashed The Green Lantern with his hammer Mjolnir.

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Shortly after we were all friends again.

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While at Zydeco, we met a few more friends.

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Meow! I'm a kitty cat! And I dance dance dance....

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This picture was supposed to be a close-up, but the wind was too intense. Ease up, Storm.

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I've wanted to be Indiana Jones my whole life. I don't just mean for Halloween. Putting on the costume made me giddy (like a schoolboy) so you can imagine my surprise and delight when we ran into this guy. What are the odds? Apparently 100%, but i wouldn't have believed that.

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He called me Dr. Jones. Anyway, here's some kitties:

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So after the poker crawl we went to Phil's house for a tiny little party. That's when things got crazy.

Shaw, the inflatable buckaroo:

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Laura and a man witch (get it?)

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Phil as Wolverine. He had a mask to wear, but it was LAME. He had a wig that I spent an hour cutting and styling. It was too hot for his head, apparently. Christy was just AWESOMELY beautiful as Storm, and tied with Brian for best homemade costume.

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Mike built his costume around a voice. If you know him, you'll get it. Most of you won't.

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Shizz was a starving artist. It wasn't much of a stretch. All she had to do was starve herself. Her sign read something like, "5th year BFA. Will paint for food or booze."

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Laura and Shizz, being beautiful:

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"my beer, dude...."

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Phil says no smoking inside, or you get the paddle.

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Trying To Look Natural, with Jay and Adam:

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Notice Shizz looks bored and unhappy

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Until now:

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BATGIRL!

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EAT IT! EAT IT NOW!!

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We'll wrap up the picture show with my favorite pic of the bunch, one I like to call GOD OF THUNDER:

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Hope everyone had a great Halloween. I'll be posting video as soon as it's edited.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

MOVIE MAGIC

I want to take a moment to highlight one of the GREATEST MOMENTS EVER FILMED:

Lt. Ellen Ripley (Yeah, yeah, played by Sigourney Weaver) spouts a huge gout of flame over the eggs being laid by the mother Alien (played by none other than Stan Winston's greatest creation, the Mother Alien). For the moment, it seems to be a stalemate.

Shortly thereafter, one of the aforementioned alien eggs folds open, breaking the stalemate, and giving way to possibly the greatest moment of acting to be captured on film in the last twenty years:

Ripley (yeah, yeah, Sigourney Weaver) shoots the Mama ET this big fat HELL NO OH YOU DIDN'T YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT I'VE GOT A FLAMETHROWER AND YOU DID WHAT? look that in my opinion is one of the most convincing and eloquent moments ever to be filmed. Happy Halloween.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Winter takes two

in the petals of the rose
i've seen how it goes
i've seen an idea never tasted
go from sweet to sour
and seasons tolling every hour
have left your life to end unflowered
and here's to those predicting seasons:
Winter gives no fucking reasons--
:-----:
She gives then takes and takes away
a quarter of four hundred days
She gives us time to ruminate,
to busy, schedule, plan, and date
to fill in slots we left unfilled
to do undone and shutter sill
to pack unpacked and unpacked done
to plant the seed becoming Sun
and what she takes while we don't look?
The only measured breath we took.

Friday, September 28, 2007

I'm a pro.

My week:

Sold a painting for $300. Quit Fox and Hell and started training at a different restaurant. Located illustration board for The Four Horsemen comic i've been dying to write. Finally got a tan. Learned how to lose at 7 ball. Ate, drank, and was merry. Life is good.